3/4 shepherd's pie.

more than a thousand miles, you'd better learn more than bloodshot eyes

2012-01-29T23:39:00.004+08:00

My friends and i went for movie for 2 days straight. Both movies were good, i mean it was meaningful, at least.

It was... *drumrolls*

WE NOT NAUGHTY

&

THE VIRAL FACTOR

(:

we not naughty is basically a singapore based movie that (as usual) points out singapore's critical problem, it was nice. Mainly 'cause i damn agree with the problem la, LIKE OBVIOUSLY.

I'm just too lazy to blog about it, so you should go watch it (: worth watching!

anyway viral factor was obviously good 'cos most actor in it are like, award winning. except jay chou. but he was great as well! :D only nicholas tse probably was gazillion times more experiences HENCE he was able to bring out every single expression and feeling pouring out.

I think half the cinema was crying, EXCEPT FOR YEETENG AND I HAHAHHAHAA :D

(as usual) we don't actually cry at sad movies, we laugh. I mean there are parts whereby it's so funny haha, especially when the movie character cries or something, i dunno why but we tend to laugh 'cos their expression is very very funny hehe :P

worst audience i know. :D

anyway, tomorrow will be a big day.

secretly, i'm very glad that i've got 10 weeks of break from school and i really do need it. :D eventhough boredom strikes and most of the time i slack and rot at home, but a break from school is just FABULOUS, (like duh) RIGHT? RIGHT? yes.

and i'm not joking about how dissapointed i am with myself, for i NEVER reach up to my own expectations, and i'm really not as happy as i thought i would be. when i was 13, teacher asked us to write about our "strengths and weaknesses" heheh and my strength was "bersikap positif" , which, after years of cruelty from education in singapore, slowly faded. i'm totally not exaggerating if i say i'm the most pessimistic human being around my peers. :/

i don't wanna feel dissapointed and sad anymoreee! why la. i don't like waiting for results what am i suppose to do? ): I wanna go back home and cuddle and squeeze with my mom in a warm and cozy bed in the super cold bedrooooooom :@

unfortunately that's not quite possible AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

if you're read one of my posts (long ago tho), you should know i dread changes. i don't like to change, i like stability. I don't want people come telling me that i've to wait and wait and wait for certain results. this really suck :/

i wanna be very positive about this, and i am gonna learn to be a better person from today onwards. (:
p/s: im not gonna say what "good person" involves because that will reveal my weaknesses!

I just.. wanna learn to be better! :D

go go go! :D

goodnight earth!

this is how i feel most of the time, lonely.

2012-01-27T21:08:00.002+08:00

you stare around. you realise all you're left with is yourself. you realise no one is ready to be there forever. you realise things change, you stand there and watch things go by like you're in a car on a highway.

when no one is going to be there forever, you're left with yourself. you cry, and hope your tears hold back a few sympathetic glances. people turn around and apologize, they can't help, they have to go.

this is your choice, you chose it, you finish it.

no matter how many times you fall and no one is ready to pick you back up, you have to come back up yourself.

you have to tell yourself it's a lesson, things will get better, you will get better.

one day when you wake up to the brightest sunshine, shining warmly into your face, you will realise life turned better, you became better.

all the wounds were healed, you will have the courage to smile, you finally have your own happiness.

live on this goal. the pursuit of happiness shall never stop. even if reality slaps you in the face and stops you from moving on, you need to stand up and tell yourself, life's getting better.

it will. you will.

come out from your own world, realise that life's got better ahead, you're more worthy than this. don't even try to shed tears in front of people, don't let people know how much you're wounded. stick to the norm, don't think of getting out, you're not capable of it. admit it, no mtter how hard you try you're only there.

so be happy with what you have now, be contented, believe god has a better path for you.

you will be better!

Happy Chinese New Year!

2012-01-26T00:09:00.002+08:00

Chinese new year is probably the only big festival that my family celebrates. Every year, we will go back to my hometown- Penang for this heart warming season. (:

So, there's no exception this year. And it's one the years where my whole family is in malaysia and there's no rush at all, we can go back penang for a good 6 days! (:

Since young, chinese new year has been one of the festival that i looked forward to, i mean how many festivals do get to get angpaus and meet up with relatives! When i was still tiny, reunion dinners were always held at my grandparents' home. When my uncle's family were still staying at my grandparents' house, i LOVEEEE going back there! (: I like meeting up with my cousins, and we will play boardgames, and go out together(: We will watch funny cny shows and laugh at each other!

From roughly 5pm, all the aunties (haha, which includes my aunties and my mom and my granny) will arrive home with handfuls of Giant or Tesco plastic bags, which contains fresh meat, veggies, bla bla bla. They will all gather in the big kitchen and start the mighty job- preparing the reunion dinner. It was usually steamboat back then, so it wasn't too hard to prepare.

Tho you don't exactly need to cook the food, looking at the amount of food we can consume, lots of chopping and marinating needs to be done. My mom and my aunty will DEFINITELY scream for my cousin and i, which are the only 2 girls (sadly) to the kitchen. We were still tiny! Not like we can do alot, but somehow our presence just satisfies the aunties. Bringing over the pepper and filling pots with water, whatever, as long ads we GIRLS help.. hahah.

BUT THEN, in less than 10 minutes, we would hold hands and run out to the living room and join the boys and indulge ourselves with good cny cookies and soft drinks like shandy (for which the aunties despise, especially right before dinner time!) (:

When the time arrives, the uncles (like my dad and uncle and grandfather) will start to set up tables in the living room, and we will have to sadly keep the boardgames, and wait patiently for the food to arrive. There will usually be 2 tables, one for the adults, and one for the children. (:

We will usually start eating first HAHAHA, but my aunty will come and say "eh cannot eat first la, must wait for popo and kongkong to sit and eat, then we eat, then only you all eat, understand?" While the adults sip beers, we only have shandy that contains 1% of lemoned alcohol! But's okay, we're happy with it (':

You know how people care too much about hygienes, steamboats you get outside are usually personal pots for yourself only? Back then, the entire table shares one pot only okay! :) Not very hygienic but hey, that's family! (:

The kids will usually finish first, so we will continue with our game. The adults will proceed for at least 2 hours! :D When the night comes, my girl cousin and i will go to each other's room to look at our new year clothes! :D

hahahha :D then the next day we will wake up, dress up and have breakfast together! My grandparents will give out angpaus to us! :D then somehow, the dinner table will definitely have GOOD BREAKFAST like hokkien mee and char kuey teow waiting for us :D the adults always say "the fortune god comes and deliver food for us!" , and i used to believe! after that, we will hold hands and walk to the nearby temple, where the ENTIRE family will gather. When i say ENTIRE, it includes my granny's and my grandpa's siblings and their kids!

After the temple, we will all gather at my granparents' house, which is when the house gets so packed! It's so difficult to even walk around :O

So these are my good memories of cny :) For these few years, as my granny got ill and was bedridden, reunion dinners were moved to restaurants. Instead of steamboat, we have the typical 8 course dinner. And no more boardgames were played as we grew older, instead we sit around the living room, feeling shy and running out of topics to talk about.

Reunion with the entire family at my granparents' time slowly became shorter, and it finally was cancelled.

I know how time changes things, and when we grow, we go apart. With my granny getting ill and finally, passed away last december, things change. I accept that, but every year, i think back of those good times.

I miss home in Penang. Cny in penang is too different from the commercial type in kl.

It's happiness, it's warmth, it's.. family. (:

Happy Chinese New Year to all, by the way! (:

mixed tape.

2012-01-16T15:53:00.003+08:00

mixed feelings, i don't know what to write about.

there's so many things going on in my head, telling me that it's time for another grow up session.

i'm so tempted to tune back time, be the child that gets happy with easy happy meal from mcdonalds, and sailor moon plus doraemon comic books.

that's life.

it's 0050.

2012-01-06T00:49:00.002+08:00

in case you haven't notice, i've tuned back my biological clock, and i sleep(try) before 1am every night !

so, tomorrow morning i'll be leaving to singapore once again, and soon i'll be receiving my o-levels result, for which i dread alot. But's not something that i can and should avoid so let's cast that aside first. Since it's my last night in Malaysia (before cny), i wanna have a short post about my feelings for this loonnngggg holiday (:

it's about 6 weeks, or is it 7? anyway, it's the usual cliche stuffs like urm, time passes reallllyyyy fast... and you don't appreciate things until you've lost it. Oh well, besides that, its kinda upsetting packing to leave home again):
to leave home sweet home for another battle for 1 whole year, and it's not like i can rest so much during next year's holidays, ):

i've told my mom ten thousand times that i hate studyingggg and i wanna work, and (like the usual adults) she goes :" when you work next time you'll know the pain"

grr.

and when i was packing, hell do i miss home man. You know the feeling when you fiddle through things that your mom bought you, and things that your brother bought you, and things that your dad bought you..

"wanted to use this for holidays!"
"damn i forgotten about this totally"
"holy craaaap what's in this packaging..oops"
"its something he/she bought me and i know i'm gonna miss 'em crap should i bring it over"

.. and all the whatnots. ):

i still remember visiting italy and it's so fun, and stress-free, 'cos i don't need to worry about a thing.
Right now? hell, we all know that jc life is bloody stressful ):

but then! i'm still trying to keep myself up high, come on!

okay, till then, (: oh by the way, check out my new profile description,

bye!

2012

2011-12-31T21:19:00.002+08:00

is in pending :D

anyway, here's cheers to all of us that managed to go through another year, and it is with utmost sincerity that everyone will start off another good year with much anticipation and excitement. (: and of course, hoping that i myself will have a year of happiness and contentment ((:

to sum up my 2011 a little, it has no doubt been one of the toughest years around with all the o levels craze and stress all around, however it has been great that we've all been through it together, hand in hand and did all our best :)

and it sure was with gratefulness that it is over and we had a great time celebrating it. (:

in less that 10 days time, o levels' results will be in my hands and to be honest im not looking forward to it :( however, i know i've done my best during every paper and if the slip is after all not very appeasing i can't do anything as well. ):

but looking at the fact that every single college intake in singapore is ENTIRELY upon your results ... ):

anyway, my 2012 resolutions?

#hakuna matata
to have no worries for the rest of the days
- lion king

(: really!

anyway i'm not an intense blogger so i'll go celebrate new year now, bye!

not forgetting,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
:D

Merry Christmas !

2011-12-25T00:05:00.003+08:00

Merry merry christmas! (: for 17 years, christmas have been my favourite festival. :D

one day i will celebrate a white christmas that belongs to me (:

have a merry and blessed christmas (:

grazie?

2011-12-20T02:19:00.002+08:00

it's 2:19am now.

i didn't intend to stay up late. i just couldn't sleep. and this seriously is not nice. i've been lying on the bed for more than an hour and i just can't get myself to sleep.

it's been so for a longer time since i remembered. i couldn't think of anything else i can do and facebook has got nothing to see anymore.

when i first came back from singapore, i slept late 'cause i was excited. after italy, i slept late 'cause i was in the jet-lag mood. and now, i don't know. I can almost count the nights i sleep before 3am with one hand and i don't like this, i wanna sleep so badly.

then i tend to think a lot. It's either i think too much that i can't sleep, or i can't eve sleep to start of with HENCE i think, i don't know.

i'm so tired of this. and the next day i'll wake up at 1130 am and i hate it. feels like half of the day's gone, but still, i can't do anything if i can't sleep right.

what do i think of..? many things.

but mostly, about how i dread going back to singapore to start over jc life. to start all over again, seriously, i've had enough of it. it's not like singapore is not nice and all, because it is nice. But i've just gotten enough of feeling so .. unjustified. i feel like, everyone is in malaysia and i don't understand why can't you get a good degree if you study in malaysia.

okay i understand all the opportunities i'm opened up to. but i can't help but think that i've gotten tired of all the process to make me stronger, which sadly includes how it's like..i'm obliged to fall and stand up, and fall and stand up, and fall and stand up, and repeat the process the upteenth time to finally obtain that little mere success which does not really satisfy me.

i don't like to fail. i know i'll feel good once i succeed, but do you get it? It feels so weird that when others can succeed so easily in the system, and i've to go through ten thousand failures to taste the victory, and at the end of the day both certificates hold the same qualifications, what is this.

before i continue, i wanna get a point clear that is, this is not the general case for all scholars. maybe it's just me. maybe i'm just not good enough.

i just don't understand. it's not like i don't work hard for the things i desperately wanted. i do, i really really do. i look at other people, i envy what the have. I don't get jealous of people that possess things i don't really want. I only feel that sometimes i work hard on something, but some people don't even work so hard and they got it.

and still i don't get too jealous. I work hard myself, because i believe everyone is born with something special that they will have it before they even work on it. I believe i have mine too.

So i work on things that i'm not born with, but i still don't get it. this frustrates me hell a lot and i'm damn surprise i'm still trying so hard now.

i've gotten enough of feeling dissapointment time after time, realizing that no matter how hard i try, you just won't get it.

and no matter how hard you work, you will fail.

i don't remember feeling this back then when i was still studying in malaysia. and the feeling is so demoralizing.

and i hate to say this but really, i feel, once again so powerless, so strengthless. it's like, i can't do what i use to do anymore. I can't keep my head up and tell people "i got it because i worked hard".

I used to be proud of myself that i was reaching so far, gaining so much because i worked hard. I worked really hard.

but it's different now. I work harder, but i don't get the proportioned payback.

2 years, and it's getting onto me.

I used to have people listen to me grumble. I used to have people that will text me and ask "are you okay?" and some will call to make sure i was fine.

I still have them now but somehow i just cannot bring myself to tell them "yes i'm fine, but a little upset". i just .. can't.

02:43am. it's been a long post.

have a good rest, mind.

"A Stolen Life"

2011-12-17T00:48:00.003+08:00

by Jaycee Lee Dugard

it's a good read i promise.

does the name Jaycee Dugard sound familiar to you? If you're on to the current issues (not so current but...well), Jaycee Dugard was a victim of child kidnapping. She was kept in a dungeon/backyard for 18 years, mothered children etc.

She was found by two cops when they discovered the unusual backyard, ended Jaycee's inhumane life, and brought her back to her family (':

spotted this at borders, where there's a starbucks in it too.

so i was flipping through books and my mom was buying her daily dosage of cappucino (she's addicted to cappucino after her trip to italy :P).

when i found this book, i went to my mom and stood beside her getting ready to convince her to get me the book (for which she agreed instantly! :D) .

"kean lynn"

suddenly someone called my name okay this is very scary 'cause i've never met anyone anywhere unintentionally before since i came back from singapore!

(i was afraid it was someone like LOLA...)

i slowly sticked out my head so that i can't figure out who it was standing at the other side of my mom...

IT WAS A LONG-TIME SENIOR! (:

from dj!

omg hahahah this is so cute :D

he was my direct mentor prefect when i was form 1 and he was form 2 :D :D

okay my moom's nagging (as usual) so byebye (:

"a little emotional"

2011-12-12T01:36:00.002+08:00

hello!

i'm not sure if anyone still comes here but.. oh well.

anyway, i'm just been randomly blog hopping hoping to get some good reads (obviously i failed else i wouldn't be here right okay that's another story). yeah so i came across this blog of my old friend (okay this is not a good read, maybe an inspirational one okay whatever), let's just name her lola. haha. :P

okay so lola was my primary school friend.. and she's, well, to me, she's not nice at all. She hated me, to the core, i guess. If you've been reading my blog regularly (okay not like i blog regularly but you get my point), i hope you read a post of my bullied experience when i was young. And (like duh) lola was one of them.

for whatever reason lola hated me why, i really am still puzzled. And to lola, i really have no idea do you still remember me, or do you give a damn about me living in this world, or whether you read my blog or not; for whatever reason there is, i guess i have a hand in making you hate me so much. So i'll apologize here.

I am sorry.

but looking back at my past, or rather, our pasts, i feel that we were really too immature to speak about anything. Now that i study in singapore, and will probably proceed educations at foreign countries for, say, the next 5 years, i guess we won't meet anymore. Since standard 6, i've never met you, until now it has been 5 years. And to be truthful, i'm very very glad.

Because i don't know what am i suppose toi do when i see you. Deep inside, i still flinch when i imagine meeting you at a mall like 1u (since it's where everyone goes like literally :P). And i know i won't want to acknowledge your existence. I will just walk away.

this is arrogant. like i don't know.

but hey, i prefer this, or maybe you do the deeds and ignore me completely. Rather than we go like "Hi! so how are you, aww i've missed you! aiyo when go out hangout!"

please we know we will NEVER hangout.

And reading like 2 posts from your blog, i see how different our lives are. We're like, living at different poles of dimensions. We're different.

we're THAT different.

we're not different as in.. you curse and i don't. I mean this is not true, i do curse OCCASIONALLY...

we're different maybe because we live in different types of society. To make it a little more dramatic ..

"we live in different worlds. 2 worlds that will never collide. "

at least for now. unless you end up in singapore as well but THAT also doesn't mean we will meet each other in marina barage or something you get my point?

we're different already. we won't see each other anymore, and that really relieves me. Because as i've said, i don't want to see you anymore.

Eventhough i know i don't fancy the way you're living, either it's because you're trying too damn hard to gain popularity in the interschool arena, or you're just simply THAT kind of person (which, personally preferences aside, i don't think so), i hope you're happy.

I mean okay to be honest i hope i'm living a better life than you are. Given that you hated me so much and despised me like a piece of unwanted trash? I want to prove you wrong.

And i hope i did.

But then again, who am i to say that who's like is better? As long as i'm happy with mine, it's the best.

As long as you're happy with yours, it's the best as well.

So, Lola. I hope we don't meet anymore, for the rest of our lives.
That, we will be happier. Don't say i'm childish, because i am not. If you want a reason for this, it will be to trace back to the times and recall, how mean you were to me.

i wish you a happy life, Lola. And to hope that our lives, never collide.

i hope you're happy with this. really(:

ITALY..

2011-12-11T01:25:00.002+08:00

good weather, breathtaking sight-seeing, splendid churches and squares, magnificent fashion..

keep coming!

say..why not?

left!

2011-11-18T09:43:00.002+08:00

good morning ladies and gentlemen. (:

i promised a post after o levels, so here it is (: finally, like finally. It's over. The battle is over! :D after 2 years of hardships and works, finally i sat in the exam hall, before every paper, preparing myself to give my best shot.

and i'm proud to say that during the exam, i tried my best. I did everything i can. So if it comes out screwed (crossed fingers please don't screw it), i will tell myself that's my capability, and i've tried my best.

Lets just put it this way, O levels is an important hurdle to me. Good grades count of course, but after everything, it's the process of trying to reach beyond far, that touches my heartstrings. For i know that this experience, people sitting together in the study hall to mug for the big Os, people waking up at 7 and sleeping at 2, just to study a tad bit more, it's an once in a lifetime experience.

"The day has come. O levels is in less than 45 minutes' time. This paper will kick start the end of my secondary school life in Singapore. Come on Kean Lynn! You are not worth JUST THIS but a hell more than this! Go in with pride, read the questions carefully, write beautifully, hand in your script confidently. You paid for this shit, money, effort, LIFE. So get this shit done like a boss. LIKE A BOSS. You studied so hard for this, don't give yourself a chance to regret! Chin up, ace this hit. Throw the trashes back to their faces! Show them, show yourself, YOU DESERVE IT, for excellence is never an accident. You can get it done, with style, with pride. YOU CAN BLOODY NAIL . THIS . SHIT . "

I wrote this on the 24th October, the first day of my o levels, 45 minutes before my first English paper.

Now it's over. For 2 years, i taste freedom. Freedom that belongs to me. Freedom that i know, i've been going after for 2 years! Now it's here, in my hands. And trust me the feeling is bloody awesome.

Now the SPM candidates must be writing furiously!

peepos! it's your time to show your potential, don't give yourself a chance to regret, don't.

Okay so i've been going around having the best fun in 2 years! (:

buffet at carnivore, bicycle rides, numerous dine-out dinner with the usual people, and ALOT OF DRAMAS AND MOVIES HEHEHE :D

not to forget packing my books to be inherited my juniors and to be recycled. You know the damn good feeling when you pile all your books and look through them and tell them "hey dude, we're over. i'm gotten enough of you so goodbye"

DANG AWESOME (:

hahahahaha okay i shall go back to my drama! bye:D

2011-11-09T14:50:00.002+08:00

A post after O levels are over, which is in less than 1 week's time!

I PROMISE.

KEEP GOING. HANG IN THERE!

2011-10-15T22:42:00.000+08:00

the best present is to turn around and have you grinning at me.

2011-10-11T08:09:00.000+08:00

i wish for the same things every year.

but it never seemed to work.

maybe i should wish harder!

keep wishing(:

Project Party Rock,

2011-10-01T09:50:00.002+08:00

a flash mob initiated by 401'11.

It's a success that belongs to 401, and the rest that participated,

that we hope to bring it to reality,

that has our sweats, pain and blood as spices,

that has our hopes, wishes and friendships as the main ingredients.

Most importantly,

it is a dream. It's dream that 401, despite being so near to O levels, dared to take courage and achieved it swiftly.

Project Party Rock motto- Just Do It!

sorreh for party rockin!

2011-09-09T16:18:00.001+08:00

5 months.

still counting.

always, till the end.

REJOICE ! for now.

2011-08-31T16:49:00.003+08:00

Long since i came here. ah. (:

PRELIMS OFFICIALLY ENDED. (: life's good. :D And next week is term break! Mom and korkor are coming to visit me! :D:D

Life's sweet, (:

eventhough we still need to go school tomorrow, but its for teachers' day celebration and i think it's gonna be superb :D

with prelims done and term break coming up! :D

i'm so excited (Y)

and not to forget , its

MERDEKA!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MALAYSIA, :D

a place where i belong, ever mine, ever thine, ever ours. (:

tonight we're going to celebrate national day at 8.31pm, and i know life's great. :D

eventhough life has been an ass for the past week due to prelims and.. well conflicts, but with prelim dead and gone, i feel so good now. (: TALK ABOUT THE IMPACT OF O LEVELS.

and i'm ready to calm myself down from the hassles and tone down my stupid temper. I SHOULD JUST STOP THROWING TANTRUMS. :(

nywayssssss, it feels so good to sit the canteen and use mah lappie, knowing that there are no papers tomorrow, and no homework in pending! :D

i only get this like, once in 6 months, after every major exams):

but i know after this, it'll be o levels, full gear ahead! BUT before that, you rest to prepare for the further journeys right :D

okaaaay time to catch up on facebook, BYEEEE :)

7 seconds down the alley!

2011-08-14T01:47:00.002+08:00

You see, i really don't know if anyone still reads this. But really, i need to say things out.

I went to facebook today. I saw statuses of people from dj, and i went into their profiles and browse through pictures. omgosh, when i see pictures of dj, i want to cry.

I can;t believe i miss this place so much. I really really missed those times. Now, probably dj have changed alot, i don't know. But forgive me, the memories that i clung onto, are those that laser me right through my deep heart's core.

I miss everyone there. You know going back to dj, sitting in 5 cengal, looking at their test papers, oh gosh, tears swelled up. i swear. I can't believe, the school badge and the beautifully created malay words lay in front of my eyes. Words and words of malay language, i remember fumbling them deftly on stage, i remember spilling them out in test papers, now i don't even remember half of my malay vocabulary.

Those classrooms, seriously, so different from those in singapore. that hint of malaysia, authetic, beautiful, heart warming.

As if like, i still belonged.

And people, ha. People. This bunch of kick ass malaysians that i hell love with my entire heart. Trust me i'm SO PROUD to be a malaysian. Maybe it's a malaysian thing? We take criticism, unfairness, discrimination like, just take it over our head.

Let me tell you something, i've heard hundreds of cruel jokes about foreign talents, and another hundreds sarcasms about nationalities. And with my hard felt ego, i am surprised i took it as it is. hmm, ? growth? (:

Speaking about people, really. People that i will cherish for life. People that i know, will still welcome me home with open arms. People that will always be happy for what i've done, and back me up forever, till the end.

As i've said, i know this race is difficult. I know it more than anyone out there. Maybe this sounds cliche, or too dramatic, but it will be a battle of mentality against your own self.

to be able to.. well, learn. Learn what is it about life, i guess? (:

keep moving on.

2011-08-08T02:51:00.002+08:00

"hey guys, remember to work hard. I will continue to run the race with you all"

-Ms Toh

I would like to say something here.

I've never felt so weak in my whole life. I've always thought i could ace things off, as long as i want it. But right now, i feel like i've lost all my ability to do things that are very important to me and i appear to, need help.

I've never felt so vulnerable in a race before. I know this race is tough, i know i haven't been through a lot of things, and that millions of obstacles are still waiting for me.

you know when i was still in malaysia, now that i realize, i feel so protected. Like, i'm shield from the world outside and everything that surrounds me seems to everything that i can handle, seems to be everything that i can do well in.

But right now, reality just slaps me in the face and force me to put my dignity down, and accept the fact, i am weak.

One and a half years' time, this is the first ever time, and i repeat, the first ever time, that i feel that i've grown so much. Like really, i can sense my growth mentally.

I realized how weak i can be, and how vulnerable i can be. But i also know even if i feel weak, i can still get things done, as long as i stretch to my potential. And it is also that when you stretch, you grow up.

Time after time, the keanlynn that has a strong character feels powerless. I feel like i've lost all my capabilities to impress people and i feel inferior.

But it is also because of this, i learnt to be flexible, to accept what others can offer, and not just look at what i can give out.

I admit, i've felt very dissapointed in myself, for being unable to handle my own stress well.

I let things mess me up, put me into a miserable state, and end up being all unproductive. I've experienced that before, that i lay in bed to think and think over things that will never ever happen.

After that, i woke up and cried. I can't believe i let all these shit mess up my organized profile. I can't believe i was in such pathetic state. Worst of all, i can't believe i actually allow it.

I have never felt so weak before.

I know this race is difficult to run, but i know i will be able to reach my expectations.

I just need to keep going.

for when victory belongs solely to you, it tastes sweetest.

2011-07-31T10:43:00.005+08:00

hello!

this week has been an awful week, smacks head. ): many many little things happened.

Called teohteoh(: yesterday since it's her birthday! (: had a good half an hour talk with her, ahhh. :D

im starting to feel tired BUT THENNNN!

"when you feel like giving up,

when you feel like reality is failing on your dreams,

just remember the prettiest rainbows come after hurricanes,

and after everything, life's as if it's restarting."

YES YES! GO and get your ass off to study! (:

A little less

2011-07-08T20:28:00.002+08:00

Another week has gone! (: Today i'm released at 7pm due to Annual General Meeting (AGM) of XMMC.

alot of things happened, basically i think i'm damn hero that i havent gone through a smacks head heartbreak.

AND NO, my computer usage time is not up yet, gonna watch an episode of mah favourite drama, then i'm down to my mountail piles of work ):

CRAP THIS SHIT but's okay will make the best outta it!

hehehe okay runnin bye peepos (:

///tracks.

2011-07-02T00:22:00.003+08:00

Its 0022 now. I'm in my dormitory, laptop placed on top a whole big stack of chemistry research papers. After all the surfing of internet for homework purposes, i decided to steal some time to update my keanlynnwrites.bs for a while.

So.. it's been a week. And the first week of class we already had 3 tests. That's pretty tiring. As compared to my schedule nowadays that releases me at approximately 5pm every single day, coming back at 3 today is just PLAIN. AWESOME.

OH yes, and next week there's another 3 tests. Way to go.

Not that i'm complaining about all the drilling but sometimes it's just hectic.

Maju got back their spirits up, looking at all the facebook wall posts and it's good, (: Maju will always be it, never will change the core of it yes? ;)

Not that i'm not homesick-ing now but yes right now i'm trying to complete 4 chemistry essays please and thankyou.

STUDY STUDY STUDY .

heavy hearted to see me suffer no? ):

BUT hell, will i make the best out of it.

Yeah, told'ya i've seen life differently!

To release stress and to live life (:

continuing my chemistry essay assignment oh yes.

goodbye peepos! :)

Written with precised feelings.

2011-06-23T23:20:00.002+08:00

You know how it feels to have to feel like you belonged somewhere else but you just..had to leave?

I went back to DJ today for maju..again. Sigh, i know. I think i made a wrong choice yes. I really really can't believe it. Two trips back to maju, reminds me of so many things, so many feelings that i thought would never come back anymore.

first and foremost, the sense of belonging. I don't actually feel like i should go back to DJ or something, it's just that it feels like i was once a DJian and that walking to the canteen and corridoor leading to canteen is just so ... malaysia. And it's just so .. DJ.

Yes, i've been to much more established school and school with facilities and reputation much better than DJ's in singapore. But i guess that is what that's special about DJ, to me, at least. Do you get it? The feeling that DJ gives me is not all good and a perfect place or whatever of that sort. It is the feeling of DJ being so DJ, imperfections, perfections, beauty of a malay school, beauty of a malaysia government school, chin-up girls with baju kurung and boys with upward and outward confidence, and teachers that teaches so differently from singapore schools.

When En.Khairul asked me what's the thing that i missed most about DJ, my first answer was

"DJ's culture that no other schools can ever imitate."

"Culture?"

"Yes, DJ has this culture that i don't know how can i describe it, but's from the past generations that past down, and every new student that step into this school would be shaped into a DJian that no other schools can shape their students into. It's passed from the older batches to the younger batches. No school can produce a student that you pick outside the office, like how DJ does. Same goes to DJ, we can't produce a student that other school can produce. "

I'm not implying that DJ's culture is the best of all. But's a culture that i enjoy being in, it's a culture that grew up with me, when i'm at the crucial learning years of my life. It brought me out of my trauma and it has a hand in making me who i am today.

DJ is not the best school around, it doesn't have the best culture either, nor am i a person with all good qualities, but DJ and it's culture made me the person i am today. That is why, whatever happens, it will still be important to me. It is part of me.

I've met good friends, bad friends, awesome teachers, teachers that made me feel like punching them, amazing seniors, and seniors that don't give a shit about juniors. It's the sugar and lemon of DJ that spiced up my life today. Every single person, every single event, every single happening in DJ taught me little things in life. Every of these open me up to new perspectives of life. If i were to put it, it's like, DJ opens up different windows at different corners of a house, showing me different views from different directions.

When i went back to school today, i've met seniors and juniors and batch mates that was once people that i see every single day. It strikes me that, it's been a while since i've last seen these people, and it's gonna be while more when i next see them. I know that this feeling will be gone soon when i go back to my busy routine in singapore. But that doesn't mean that these feelings and bonds that pull my heartstrings do not exist. They existed, and they still exist.

DJ seniors gave me feelings that my singapore friends will never be able to give. I would say that DJians can never give me feelings that how my singapore friends can give. It's the same altogether. No one can ever be replaced by another. They just give you different experiences and different feelings, different friendships and different bonds that you can never find from another person.

DJ is the place where i became a teenager and it's the place where i started to mature and think about life. It's the place where i met the person that i know i really really liked. It's the place where i first received valentines presents. It's the place where i first failed malay. It's the place where i first got 100 for history and geography. It's the place where i met friends that i know i will cherish for life. It's the place i found teachers that can never be found in singapore, better or worst. It's the place that taught me that i'm not a prefectorial board person and i am a little rebellious. It's the place that showed me that i have wonderful friends that bother to plan a surprise party for me in front of the entire prefectorial board. It's the place that i heard people bitching behind my back. It's the place where i stood on stage and delivered my speeches. It's the place where my senior played piano for me. It's the place where seniors and teachers pat my back and said "congratulations on your scholarship". Most of all, it's the place that i picked back my confidence and it's the place that i found the keanlynn that i'm comfortable to be with.

Lastly i would say that, if it was last year, i will always think that i miss home and malaysia is better than singapore. But right now, i dare say that singapore and malaysia are of different scale of comparison. I don't want to compare them both anymore because they gave me different feelings and different experiences that none can overtake another. Singapore opened me up to chances and opportunities that i can never obtain if i were to be in Malaysia. But Malaysia gave me the sense of belonging and relationships that sinks right deep into my heart.

I'm very blessed to be able to have both countries to play a role at my growing phase, like i've got the best of both worlds. Like, both meat and vegetable into my soup of life.

Right now, i've truly open up to a whole new perspective of life.

And this is just simply amazing.

lickin'flames.

2011-06-22T15:52:00.002+08:00

deep breathes.

right now i'm pissed off. this post will not make sense so just skip this if you're not curious yes baibai.

seriously just put your fist into your mouth if you can't shut up. some comments are needed only once and not time after time.

yes so you do not need to repeat it over and over again.

respect and worth are given only when you earn it yourself with your capability or personality and i respect you with all due will.

it has got nothing to do with age.

i believe in right or wrong and justice. I'm sorry i don't go for respect and boot-lickers just because someone is older than me.

if you're wrong, who cares if you're 100 years old? the most i can go is just shut up and smile and i will not agree with you just because you're older.

tqvm.

27 minutes of sleepless night.

2011-06-19T23:58:00.004+08:00

It's 2358 right now. I've been laying on bed for the past 38 minutes but i just can't fall asleep, must be the milk tea i had just now during family dinner, which was a rushing event.

Another reason for me not being able to get my brain at rest is probably because a few things have been going on in my head and i just can't get over it.

Firstly, i've never felt so slacken off for a tad long time yeah. I know it's holidays and all but there's this thing called holiday homework, which unfortunately are all still in pending state, left untouch on my "to-do" tray like what the hell right i know. I'm feeling guilty but then again, i should've known earlier that coming back to malaysia has no direct connection to being hardworking. I guess being in a hostel has its advantage.

Feels like getting o levels done with flying colours is still a bit of a distance to me BUT i'm still slaking yes thank you very much.

Secondly, well going back DJ for my lovely maju squad reminds me of bucket loads of stuffs. I can't believe it. Feelings long gone came back bit by bit. When i was standing at the elevated platform were flags were raised, i looked down at the synchronised squad and i can't help but feel so proud of them. Even though i'm not part of it anymore, but i smell the maju spirit from deep heart's core.

Current leaders are being very concerned of the squad and i feel so glad that maju is still being, maju. All fierce and ready to strike, like how our tiger symbol represents us. Despite maju not being the best team of all (probably the overall last but hell who cares), but i think the bond developed through the squad is just significant. It's been the same way every year. Even when we're 3 weeks before sports day like nobody gives a shit. BUT THEN when the time comes, like 3 days before the actual event, seniors will, one way or another, get the marchers' spirits up and that's how i like it. (':

And at the end of day, honestly, right now i don't even remember how many medals of gold silver or bronze have we won, what that stays in my mind when i'm studying abroad will be how we used to have fun while marching and not care about encik khairul that forced us to stop practicing when it's drizzling. I miss those times(':

and those times when we play around(:

my friend just told me she drove just now. and i'm so darn jealous of her. Although i'm getting undang at the end of the year, but i can't drive to school like how the rest can next year. I'll still be stucked in a uniform (eventho the uniform is pretty cute but thaat's not the point) and will be taking buses or mrt rides to and from my junior college. One thing that makes studying in malaysia cooler that singapore will be being able to drive to school in casual clothes and THAT is just amazing. AND i'm not lucky enough to enjoy this pleasure but i'll make the most out of singapore no? (:

another thing. I really really hate it when people find me weird when i just talk to friends. I mean, i have this habit to talk to friends that were once close to me or when we once had connections. Although we may not have any thing in common right now but i'll still want to talk to that person, you get my point. I don't just talk to people because i need something from them or when i'm bored. I'll just text someone that i know and happen to bump on their names on the contact list because i wanna catch up with things. I mean, it doesn't really hurt if i talk to somebody, when we haven't been talking for awhile isn't it? I mean, that's how i work things out. Even though i do randomly text a guy friend or facebook message him but that doesn't make me a flirt does it? My contents aren't even flirtatious! THAT, i'm pretty sure.

I mean, guy or girl, they're still my friends. I don't know why it's weird or wrong to just randomly text him or her just to say a simple "hello(:" when i'm tired of studying or sleepy in class(hehe)! I mean, i do that all the time. I understand that frequent and ubiquity does not make it right but then again, am i really wrong?

It's just catching up!

by the way, it's 0025 now, yay used up 27 minutes of my sleepless night!

okay i'll leave now, goodbye blog!

2011-06-18T23:52:00.001+08:00

sometimes i hope i can revert back to the normal malaysian life . Or at least, continue the next few years of my life like a malaysian.

heck.

2011-06-17T00:35:00.001+08:00

"a few years ago, i felt that i really do, but then it faded. Now, it's back again. What happened to me?"

Have you been through a bully?

2011-06-15T18:27:00.005+08:00

Well, i have.

When i was fairly young, and i still didn't know how to solve my problems and carry myself in the best way i could.

I still remember how i would dread going to school just because of this group of students that made my years in a particular school painful and not very memorable. But i admit i did commit some mistakes that led to this particular girl hating me and influenced the rest of the people.

However, as i grew up, i've learnt that if one person hates you, it's her problem. But if a group of people tend to go against you, then it's most likely your problem. But again, i'm not trying to deny my fault here, i'm just saying that i've been through a bully before. And right now, i'm not afraid to write it in my blog because i've grown so much from this bully. I'm not sure if any of those girls that once hated me so much, reads my blog. But seriously, i'm not afraid anymore.

I've been through moments when i walked into class and no on would talk to me, and everyone would just make exaggerated motions as if i'm a monster, or worst, just walk straight and look right through me, as if i wasn't even there. Honestly, the feeling sucked. I would come home crying, i would feel as if i've been rejected and i will never have any friends anymore.

Being so young, these girls would steal my stuffs and hide it. They once stole my science notebook and i had to recopy the entire notebook. I told myself "nevermind, it's for revision". Right after the exams, i saw a science notebook with my name on it in an empty classroom. I could recognize the book and when i took it, all the pages have been teared away and whoever that took it used red pens and drew all over it. I didn't cry. I merely threw it away.

There was even once when someone took my pencil away and i saw it in a girl's pocket, sticking out. I clenched my fist, walked up to her and told her "Can you please give me back my pencil?". She said "i didn't take it, you bitch". And i replied her "don't lie, it's in your pocket, sticking out"

She then reached into her pocket, took the pencil out and threw it at me and say "I'll say you're smart." I didn't cry either. Don't ask why hadn't i cry, i don't know the answer myself.

they made me paranoid all the time. When we went for school trips, i couldn't even sleep at night because i was afraid they will steal my stuffs away. I would lock up my luggage and put it right next to my bed. I would keep the key in my pocket and held i tight until my hands hurt when i sleep.

I was so immature at that point of time because i thought that as long as i'm nice to their meanness, they will be nice to me one day. They scolded me on msn, calling me names and all. And all i did was "okay okay, okay okay" Today, i winced at myself for saying all these rubbish. How on earth could i be so stupid to believe that as long as i take their meanness and be nice to them, they will treat me the same way. What's wrong with me?

Because of these group of people, i am very very afraid of being lonely. For a few years after the entire bully, i was constantly very afraid of being alone, i was afraid i had no friends. Whenever i had a row with my friends, i will always be the first to apologize because i don't want to lose my friends, close or not.

5 years have gone now. And to you girls who used to bully me, and happen to be reading this, i'm telling you, i'm not afraid of being alone anymore. I can walk to school alone and walk back hostel alone. But that doesn't mean i don't have friends. I'm very happy i still have a group of awesome friends in dj, always welcoming me home with open arms, i really appreciate them. These are the people that i will never ever forget in life. I also have a group of awesome hostel mates and amazing singapore friends. I'm very very contented with whoever that's here for me today. I feel so blessed that because of the bullies you girls projected on me, you made me grow up so much. I changed from a coward into someone that will go along with friends just to please them, to today's keanlynn that will know how to gain friends not because i say "okay okay" to bullies or went along with others' ideas just to please them. I have friends because i truly like them being my friends and they befriend me because of my character as well. I treat them with true hearts, not because i want to please them. For people that do not like my character, i'm happy that even we're not good friends, we are mature enough not to bully each other and hurt each others' feelings and tarnish each others' reputation, but chose to avoid moments when conflicts will happen, because we don't want a row.

I'm so blessed with what i have right now. (:

To you girls, if you are reading this, good for you, at least you know how i feel. I'm not writing this to tell you i'm all mighty and strong right now. But at least i can protect myself now, and i wanna thank you for shaping into the keanlynn that i am today. Even though you gave me a hard time, and it's not that i'm okay with that or that i wasn't angry with you. Because that would be a lie, i'm not a saint, of course i would dislike this feeling. But honestly, if it weren't because of those times, i wouldn't even be the me today.

But i just want you to know that i've walked away from the past that you've put me into. I'm a very contented and happy person now. I enjoy life and truly, really appreciate and love every single one of the people that walked into my life. I thank people that do not dislike me, because i've been through a phase when i feel like no one in this world likes me. Maybe it's because i've changed into a better person, i don't know. But either way, i really thank my friends for well, being my friend. You guys gave me back the confident that i'm someone that people want as their friend.

And to whoever that's reading this right now, i just want you guys to know that everyone has been through a past, whether is it painful or not, that shape them into who they are right now. Do not judge a person by their looks or the way they act before you know their stories.

Everyone has got a story, for mine, well, a painful story that makes me who i am right now, a stronger and happier person.

Everyone has a secret they haven’t shared. Everyone has a past no one’s heard about. Everyone has weaknesses hidden inside. Everyone has a story left untold, so never start judging someone thinking you know them back to front. Because the truth is, you probably don’t.

"You know my name, not my story.

You can read about my past, but you can't truly feel what i've been through"

Little loves that are great in life.

2011-06-11T00:50:00.003+08:00

i'm looking forward to english lessons tomorrow, because i love mr guber and ms manjit. :D why? (:

tho right now i'm very very overwhelmed by my mountain high homework loads and all the errands still in pending state, but then!

I'M GOING HOME ON SUNDAY! (: And monday i'm going to dj, finally (: i love this.

I can't wait to go and visit dj and see how has my school became, anticipating!

On the other hand, since mah good friend KARJUN KHAW's roommate left her a few days ago, i'm currently staying with her (: It's damn awesome to stay with karjun she's so fun to be with (: I love those fighting sessions we had :D:D throwing laundry bags and laughing at each others' stupid jokes, (: life's awesome with her, amazing really! (:

I just watched a video on the luckiest woman alive, :') Her boyfriend did so much and when he said

"I want you to be my eternity, I want to marry you"

my heart melted:D

reminds me of what mr guber told us today,

" I had 2 marriages, this is the second one. The first one was a big mistake, but i know this one is real, true. I feel it in my bones, it's gonna be forever. The first time i set my eyes on her, it feels like we had a connection, she feels it too. We married 6 years after we met, which was a very gradual process and it's very great. Until today, i still look at her and steal glances of her. She's so beautiful(:'

(': Little love things in life, these are the people that appreciated what god gave them. mr guber also said

" Opportunities are always given when it's the right time, right place, right person. God won't waste his opportunities if you're not meant to take it. So do not be afraid, go after it if you have the chance, live your life. And most importantly, when people tell you you can't, it's a big red signal for you to go! Ready, set, go for life (:"

When people went through alot in life and when they tell you their stories, they translate their happiness into languages you can understand with your heart. I looked at mr guber, the glint of blessed happiness and bliss in his eyes and smile was just..amazing. (:

Life's a miracle, live your magic(:

changes.

2011-06-09T20:50:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i feel that maybe i am meant to be a wanderer. There has never been a place that i truly stay for a period of time and feel that i belong there. I know that to really "be" in a place, time doesn't matter. But it sucks to feel that when bonds are forming i will have to leave and go to a new place.

I grew up in China for 5 years, and returned to malaysia for 10 years, then continue in singapore till some time that i really have no idea when will it be. Same goes to my school, i really really find it amazing to be able to stay in the same school for an education phase, like how somebody went to the same kindergarten, same primary school and same secondary school.

I went to china's international kindergarten, went to malaysia's kindergaretn, 2 primary schools and 2 secondary schools. Even though i know that for every change, it's for the better, but it sort of becomes like, i crave for constant. I don't like changes.

And it sucks to feel that wherever you go, you do not TRULY belong to that place because everyone else has spent more time with each other than you did.

Don't mistake what i mean. I find it very nice that people of new places did their best to let us "wanderers" join in easily and it almost feels like this issue haven't exist before, but that's not the fact. Little things in life that happen just shows that you need time for strong bonds to form, especially when it's a distinguishing factor.

Right now, i just feel like going home and feel.. my home. I want to feel like i finally belong somewhere eternally, like it's never gonna change.

hmm, yeah.

2011-06-06T20:20:00.002+08:00

some people went as far giving me a call, or a text, or even a facebook wall post.

some people can just totally ignore it. i believed that you were busy. but the message was left proves to me that you're not.

maybe it's just me. i'm sorry then.

***

"So?" Oh well, maybe we don't matter to you anymore.

2011-06-05T20:04:00.001+08:00

I wanna start to ..

have a life.

yeaaaah.

please, i'm only 17!

2011-05-15T23:34:00.003+08:00

It's been a pretty long weekend after my mid years! went for numerous brunches and dinners with my roomates(:

And since tuesday was declared a holiday because it's wesak, mah good friends and i are going to Marina Barage to celebrate to celebrate the end of our mid terms! (:

not to forget, a very memorable evening out, all by myself to Clarke Quay on Friday evening. I just had this innate feeling that i needed to have a break out myself at somewhere far, and there i go. Showered, changed, grab my bag, a pen, and a diary and off i went.

I guess it must have been a very emotional day for me indeed. I step onto the MRT and plugged in my earphones, like how i usually do whenever i go. After 7-10 minutes on my technological ride, arrived at clarke quay and i wasnt in the mood to shop around. I just loitered around the place and hoped for something exciting to happen.

I just happen to turn into this junction and i saw this little cafe that's situated at the corner of the alley. I walked right in, the girl behind the counter looked at me and smiled, and passed me the menu. I walked around the shop and found a comfy place to settle. Ordered my food and before i knew it, i sat there for 2 whole hours. What was i doing? haha i took out my diary and wrote alot.

So much that i realised that these days, i havent been pouring so much thoughts to myself before. I have been having emotional nights and times when i feel like my support pillars are falling one by one on me. But i just kept them buried, i didnt want people to know it, i didn't want people to realise how weak i can be, despite the fact that i appear to be so darn strong.

I show people that i have gotten used to life here, the fact is i have. But it doesn't mean that i can let go of life in malaysia. I didn't even have the courage to go back to DJ anymore, for fear of being forgotten, for fear that i see so many events happening and i'm not even part of it anymore. I'm always afraid that that if i clinged on myself too much on memories, i will be too attached to it and what's worst, when it is not worth it. when i know that it doesn't even belong to me anymore.

just like this Game that i played, the Game was over weeks ago but i can't seem to get myself out of it. I want the Game to continue, i want to stay in it, i want to play over and over again. I missed it. I kept telling myself that it's not even true, it's not even real. HAHA come on, i'm only 17! How real can it be? How serious can it be? take a chill pill :D

but someone just had to burst my bubble.

"you're not only 17, you're already 17. Are you sure you're not old enough to be serious?"

Do you really think that i don't know? Please! I know it more than you do! But what am i suppose to do?! What do you expect me to do?! What's going to happen even if i did anything?!

Stop telling me to "stay in the Game if you want to" because it doesn't work that way! When people wants to shut the Game down, when it's all over, it's over! You don't just continue to stay just because you're 17 and you're god damn sure that you're serious!

wake up!

it doesn't matter anymore, sometimes i think.

you know how parallel lines are? they never intersect.

they never, ever intersect. you go on with yours and i will go on with mine. Who cares if previously, we're in this "double-helix" formation? Well it's "unzipped" and we're parallel now.

and again, stop telling me to get into that state again, there's no point in doing so anymore. Because it will most probably tangle everything up, and so i decided that i am going to make it this way: when time goes by, everything will be in parallel lines, i will not remember anything. I will just go on and on with my work and we will never see each other again.

So what if you remember all the firsts! So what if you remember all the lasts! So what?! It doesn't matter, one day you will laugh at those pathetic diary entries! It is not even real! It's not true!

I'm only 17, nothing can be serious!

2011-04-22T10:59:00.002+08:00

Teoh Soon Len and Ho Sue Lu and Tracy Yow,

please contact me through WHATEVER way feasible. i'm damn in need of you guys.

as if you guys are gonna read this. ):

but if you guys happen to stumble upon this deserted blog PLEASE CONTACT ME via facebook or whatnots.

truth is, i'm so darn tired of all these crap. Makes me think if i'd really decided to give up so much, to miss out so much of life just to achieve what i call goal. And i'm not even seeing it anywhere near me.

people are standing next to me all the time but they don't seem to get it.

You know how is it like to try to hold a handful of beach sand? It's like, no matter how hard you grasp your fingers so tightly, you still see the sand slipping pass your finger and just.. dissapear. Really, no matter how hard you try to hold it tight.

That's how i'm feeling now.

"i hope nobody reads this"

2011-04-14T18:15:00.003+08:00

i am not alright. at all. i just made myself fall deeper and deeper to somewhere that will require mental strength to pull myself up.

dayumn. what's wrong with me?

i want "people" to know what i think. it's not like i haven't tried enough. I've already placed myself below my dignity value and yet why do i still feel like i'm not doing enough.

i'm so tired of these.

i'm so tired of, well, trying to please "people".

why can't you just feel the same way because of who i am.

just..leave my head.

"don't cry"

2011-04-10T17:30:00.002+08:00

It's been approximately a month since i last posted something in this dead blog. And i'm very sorry that this time, thi post is to help me to release me tension. FAME 2011 is officially over. As the emcee for such a prestigious event, with ministry of education's officers arriving, Anglo Chinese School (Independent) prepared hard for it. And after audition i manage to be part of the crew and emcee for the event, you can't imagine how proud am i. To the extent that i pushed back some of my tests and allocate so much time and money, $200 on taxi fare. Because i know FAME is important, it should not be compromised given any circumstances. It's officially over now and i missed it badly now. I somehow hated to say this sentence because it sounds so cliche coming out from me because i practically miss everything that is gone. People don't even think its a big deal anymore. But hells knows im still in what they call PFDS. Post-Fame Depression Syndrome. What happened next makes it worst. My mom told me my dog passed away. My baby passsed away. I tried not to cry and appear all fine in front of everybody so that they will think im okay and not mention it so i won't cry. But i miss him. Lassie is my precious and he's gone. I really think my mom should have told me earlier, but my mom said she doesnt wanna affect my performance during FAME. What i think is that at least i can use FAME to distract myself. now i've double the sadness get what i mean. Fame and Lassie, both gone at the same time. I want to collapse now.

2011-03-16T17:35:00.002+08:00

It's holidays and even though i spend it in hostel, i still like to dream of myself travelling to a far off place at the end of the year(: I've decided that i needed a good break at the end of my high school life because.. well it's been a long 2 years here. Next thing that comes in mind is where to go. I have this few places in mind.. hmm...

Hong Kong
-even though i've been here before.. but i just feel like going back. Especially when my roommate is a half hongki. Gosh she kept pestering me and telling me how awesome is hongkong. She's so cute lah. I didn't even believe her when she says hongkong is as safe as singapore. (like what the heck are you for real -.-) end up she's so right, hell am i under the well huh. Anyway, i just think that i wanna go hongkong because i like to walk on the busy streets late at night:D

Manchester
-i've been here before too! but manchester's beauty is too elegant to be visited only once. Unlike London which i disliked, manchester is like.. an out of bound area and it feels so innocent there. In London, you see drunkies at 9pm strolling outside Harrods but in Manchester, you see girls with pigtails and freckles selling roses to couples with this cute smile. You get me? Haha and manchester is just so awesome i wanna stay there forever.

Germany & Russia
-My history textbook revolves around this country and Hitler just kept coming to my mind. When we study about communism, it's all about Germany and Russia. It's such a crazy country that i can't believe it existed. Even if all the past are gone, i still wanna see how a country of such is like, to have cruel communism as a background. "A place of historical wonders tells story by sight itself". hehe. :P

So far.. this is what i have in mind... MOM if you're reading this, you get me :D hahaha!

Off to finish my English essay and cute little corntos!

Ta!

All the once upon a time sits in a bubble and burst along.

2011-03-12T11:40:00.002+08:00

It almost feels like i'm living in a bubble, out of the world. I see the world swirling and slipping pass me in a dream-like manner, and i feel out of place. Even if i'm part of the changing and transforming, i feel outcasted!

I've been drilling and drilling and working towards what i spell goal. But at the same time, i seem to see my life drifting pass me. Have i forgotten what we call it life? Have we been too engrossed into the papers and pens that scribble our life away too simply, and forgotten all the real wonders?

I don't know what's happening. Every single person that i care for are drifting pass me and i don't have the courage and energy to pull them back, or to at least leave a part of them with me. It's either i'm too busy to bother, or i m living an ostrich life, stucking my small brain deep into the damp soil.

At the end of the day, what i'm left with is the guilt that cannot be replaced, building up in me. I know if i wanna learn to literally LIVE my life now, i will have to make a change. I will have to make the ages worth it. I will have to do something.

But i don't know what is the something. I just have this inertia to keep working on what i call the usual.

what happened to me?

All now.

2011-02-13T02:18:00.002+08:00

You were too cowardly and chicken to take out the first step. You pushed me outfront, made me do the job for you. I didn't have the choice as all eyes are set, all reactions paused, all air still, waiting for me to do it like i've did it a trillion times. That moment, i look into your eyes, i saw you smirking for not needing to do your folly job, because you made me your guinea pig and did it for you. I knew i had to do it. And since so, i might as well make it a good one. I poised myself, fumble letters deftly. It's been a year. Now, i've gotten it, the dream that you wanted, but you were too afraid to try a year ago. Yes, that dream of yours. And now you wanna take it back from it? Dream on. You won't stand a chance. I fought for every chance myself, and not sent a friend out there to test out the circumstances first. If you want it, start from the bottom. I won't place the precious in a platter and present to you. You would have to go through the hard and tough and gain it yourself. Have fun.

Heart's bringing me nowhere.

2011-02-05T20:47:00.002+08:00

First thing first, Happy Chinese New Year. (:

I can't believe it, this is probably the last time i'm coming back to Malaysia and the next time would be after o levels. And today's the last night. ):

I'm going to prepare myself to sleep tonight and cuddle within the sheets and fall asleep with a handful of wonderful people in my dreams.

You know how it feels awful to know that you could've done alot better if you were to trust yourself more? To lower down your own expectations? for you know you're better that you deserve? This is demoralizing.

I'm so tired of displaying my circle of life under the sun for you to reach out every single time. Just go away.

anyway, just a little something i would like to share:

A bubble
I would like to stay in a bubble.
Then i can see beautiful worlds with colorful perspectives.
But being in a bubble is fragile.
People can crush you into nothing with a slight touch.
But I wanna sleep in a bubble,
and be in the palms of a certain someone.
I want to clear my thoughts into bubbles,
and let them pop away.
I want to go round and round in a colorful bubble.
And it doesn't even matter if i fall, because i will dissapear.
I won't even have time to feel embarassed.
bubble, indeed!

Warm returns.

2011-01-29T20:37:00.002+08:00

I've finally came to a week whereby i have zero tests. Well not exactly a week, 2.5 days.. of school next week, hence, no test.

Anyway, my seniors are all off to respective JCs already, starting a new journey, bringing on a new life. And today, they came back to parry to visit us, and celebrated a junior's birthday. It's like.. everybody goes "OMG are you serious they are back where are they!!"

That kind of thing.

Adrenaline was rushing every part of me and i can feel the happiness sensation tingling excitedly around me.

My only malaysian girl senior came into my room while i was sleeping and started crying because she missed us too much.

Had another soccer session. Our parry soccer sessions tend to be really rare and special, as it only occurs when the apple of our eye comes back to visit us.

They're leaving soon already, but their curfews are 11 anyway. (:

I will call my favourite and onle girl senior as often as possible:D

Their returns somehow acted as a motivation pill, and they pump the energy into my veins and make me strive.

All ready and set for the tough and hard, challenges and chances.

Sec 4? Bring it on.

"Used to be one"

2011-01-15T09:19:00.002+08:00

It's saturday morningm and this morning is unusual. The moment i pry open my eyes to the morning sun, something in me don't feel quite right. The a tinkerbell came to me..

Oh it's the day where some of my best seniors are leaving.

The thing is, they left last year for year end holidays, knowing that they're not coming back to the hall anymore, the feeling was overwhelming. This year, we came back to the hall for a new 2011 without them by our sides. We lived the first week by ourselves, getting used to the hectice life again, getting used to singapore, and most importantly, getting used to a whole new start without these precious seniors of ours.

The hall was more than quiet. The canteen is not dominated by the usual people, the computer room is not seated by the usual people, and the study hall is not occupied by the usual people. Heart throbing, sometimes. But we learned to cope with it.

Just when we got used to it, they stepped into the hall again to get their o levels' released results. Once again, they gave our heart a big leap by all of them coming back, everywhere we go, it's them. It's their laughters, screams.. teases. For just one week, all the empty spaces in the hall is once again filled up.

Then one week later, they left again. They left again, leaving the hall all empty and plain again.

All the come and go are giving me hysteria! This hell shows me that from the first day that i've made this choice to study here, i'm not only bound to face the tremendous academic stress, but also the pressure given invisibly by people that i depend on alot, for they are the ones that took care of us when we're all out alone in a foreign place. It's like, when they're here, we're all up and high, when they're gone, we're all blank and down.

It's destined for every single one of us to go through these and i just had this feeling that at the end of the day when i've gone through enough of these, i'll emerge as a stronger person. Just by the thought is pleasing.

I wonder what's gonna happen when i'm the one that leaves the hall, go chase for my dreams, run for my destiny and create my own miracles.

Fight for what you deserve. I strongly believe that you have to work for your own life with your own hands. No one owes us anything, we have to do it by ourselves. And as long as you're willing to commit, it's yours.

Now, you're detached to mould your next 50 years.

But please remember, we used to be one.

"Worn Out"

2011-01-14T20:27:00.002+08:00

I'm very tired, in every aspect, i'm so tired. ): Physically, emotionally, everything.

So has 2011 in singapore been? Well, still striving. (: O levels results are out and i got an A1 for my chinese language. Yay! :D I promised my mom that i'll bring home more. hahha (:

I'm so happy for my seniors that got their o levels done, and at the same time envy that they all did it with flying colours. (:

This year is my turn and lets hope it'll be wonderful. :D

Anyway, life here is tough, as usual. LOL there are so many hostel stuffs, peer problems and relationship hardships all around and i dare say everybody is learning to cope with it, solve it, and most importantly don't let it affect ourselves. I'm one of the best examples as i'm super emotional and senstitive and i get affected very easily. hehe so now, i'm trying to not let what others do affect me.

I'm learning to be happy and sad because of myself, and not because of what others have done to me, regardless of whether is it pleasing me or hurting me.

Learning!

and i must that the progress is there, but's exhausting me sometimes too much.

Okay, i'll leave, it's a friday! I wanna rest and start my homework later, bye world!

:D

Back in action.

2011-01-02T16:45:00.002+08:00

Safely arrived in singapore. Well well well, first of all, happy new year! :D

It is entirely because of the fact that school doesn't start till tuesday HENCE i still have time to blog. And of all times, awesome parry decided to down the internet HENCE again i needed to beg around for broadband to do my homework that i didn't even know existed till today, yeah.

So anyway, this post will not be long as i need to get my homework done soon. btw i can see frustrated faces of boarders setting up the lappies and after all the fuss, no internet, obviously angry hahah.

For people from malaysia that reads my blog (HI BTW), i would like to thank you people if you've had a hand in making my holidays wonderful. You've no idea how meaningful is every outing and not to forget our awesome sleepover. (: I'll be back at the end of the year and monitor you lovely people taking SPM after my dreadful o levels. :D

And for people in singapore, well looking forward to a great year with you guys. Might not be too great because it's o's year and al but well, will do my best. Never think negative before anything starts!

As for hopes for 2011, i hope that it will be better than 2010 and obviously a great eventful year (in a good way). Working hard academically is a must like duh (i need to get my ass up and start activating my working cells!). And this is equally important, that is to be healthier and happier person. :D

I know its seldom to see such a postitive post here haha, but well, i'm rather surprised. Because my mom just sent me back to my hostel and she's leaving back to malaysia already. I surprised that i am in such a positive mood :D

anyway, good luck to everyone and may 2011 be magnificent. (:

Keanlynn!

Lemonade too precious.

2010-12-29T00:25:00.003+08:00

I wish to lay in a bathtub of ice cold lemonade and heck, almost quarantined from the mortal world. Almost like a baptism, yet not too close actually, from the languidity of the filth we're submerged into. Could've almost see underneath my magical lemonade that the world is almost exquisite and every hard word is quaint. Every corner is filled with fallaciously beautiful things. For which reality is placing me abyss into somewhere entirely heart throbing. I'll be in search of a literally magnificent moment that gives me a 'pop', parallel to this fairytale.

Wow, that's apt.

bloodshot eyes.

2010-12-27T12:15:00.003+08:00

I would like to live in this sweet land that none can break away my protective charms. The crypticness that i built with my bare hands. For i hope for a comfy paradise of my fairytale henceforth here comes my all time high and rising expectations. However, i'm awaken by this crystal clear yet almost rock hard fact that i'm not living in my very own conte de fees . For which the time passes slower when i hope it's ticking as if a marathon race, and time was fantasized as if tranformed into a pea tiny snail when i want it to rival our speed of light. The pain was excruciating. Charms that can offer me blissful denial for at least a moment that i'm concern of. Yet i'm not reaching here nor there, no where near to care; not that i expected it will but never have i felt my amotion pieces so heavily broken. How i used to force facial contortions, none will be spared now.

donnez-moi une pause! indeed.

"Of cemerlangs"

2010-12-27T00:32:00.002+08:00

It's 00:32am right now and i'm tired. But i just don't feel like sleeping, yet. yet. So many things are going on in my mind right now. Not like it doesn't every other nights, but it's getting more distinct nights after nights knowing that i'm returning to singapore really really soon.

terrrra! hits me that i'm sec4 gonnabe.

i'm so not ready to be a senior, not just yet. and i'm obviously not ready for o levels. Emotions of a kid (not exactly but yeah, somewhere along that line) that leaves home and board in a JUST WEIRD hostel depends rather heavily on things out of the box. Something that NO ONE can dictate it out with our mere 26 alphabets. You're in our shoes only then you'll get these abstract little pieces.

BUT yet again, i seem to lose catch of this feeling already. Know what, the feeling must be really sweet and sour kinda thing OR ELSE i wouldn't feel such a heaven and earth kinda difference in my emotions.

Ever wonder why when people hear that one studies in singapore the immediate reaction would be "OMG confirm got good future" and all kinda crap? mmhmm, i think it's because they hell drill you into the best state you be moulded into! when i say drill i mean DRILL as in REAL DRILL. they make you into who they (and you yourself of course) want you to be. Dengan ini, you have no way out to be a non cemerlang student.

And when i say cemerlang it doesn't really mean academically cemerlang because they're really smart. When they see you're not so cemerlang in books they'll somehow make you cemerlang in other ways. Well, i agree this is amazing if you're an aggressive person that would like to have a place in the society one day. Dahlah so stress in school, let's not talk about hostels life including no homecook sedap, no clean oh clean poo poo place and no own sweet lala land bedroom.

Punch me in the face!

but then again, this will make me cemerlang.

..will it?

..YES it will.

I'm a tad crazy right now.

I'm.
A tad.
Crazy.
Right Now.

thanks to pre-singapore syndrome of my very own.

unless you can see me, scream "AH I KNOW" and shoot me in the face what's wrong with me and most importantly make me sane,

Stay away.

Merry Christmas! :D

2010-12-25T23:42:00.003+08:00

My white christmas will come true. Well, i'll make it.

:D !

Sweetest thing i've ever seen.

2010-12-24T23:01:00.001+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2010-12-24T22:35:00.004+08:00

HO HO HO!

hahha hello! :D It's 24th december, it's christmas eve! :D omg heehee so excited. Had a christmas eve buffet dinner with my family, satisfaction spells!

Under certain circumstances IF I DO HAVE LOYAL READERS, you should know how much i love christmas even if my family don't make a big fuss over it.

Well, the buffet was awesome, my cousins are cute, red wine was smooth, chocolate fondue was tasty, turkey was tangy, salad was fresh, mocktail was authentic, decorations and atmosphere was astonishing.

I'm feeling a little tired due to the wine i drank haha eh don't play play okay, i can drink muahah. :D

Nyways, my mom just said she's gonna bring me out for a good travel next year after o levels, what's better in life?

Told ya' i've found the best reason to be a happy soul!

CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS :D

2010-12-23T17:51:00.000+08:00

Seems like i've found the best reason to be a happy soul.

I LOVE WIZARD.

2010-12-20T00:03:00.002+08:00

Brought back Change of Heart and Eat Pray Love, ended up chucking it aside and read up Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows of my korkor's series. hee.

Finished that book and i must say JK Rowling is not famous without a reason. It was awesome. I was sitting on the sofa, reading intensely till my mom had to scream at me for dinner, lol.

But one thing right, they have really weird names like.. Aberforth, Fleur, Tonks, Goyle, Bellatrix, Crabbe, Slughorn, Sprout, Ollivander, Luna and loads and loads of etceteras!!

The weirdest yet coolest?

XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD.

omg, how funny can a name be?

I wonder if london people really name themselves like that, gosh! I don't even know where the get the ideas from -.- Like Voldemort, Hermione, Kreacher. And these are only names of goblins and wizards.

The have names like Horcruxes, Patronus.. AND THEIR SPELLS OMG SUPER COOL. Eg. Imperio, Expelliarmus, something Kedavra!

And the best? STUPEFY.

omg damn cool.

STUPEFY STUPEFY STUPEFY.

and you know cho chang? HAHAHA im gonna name my daughter CHO. hehe(:

okay nuff of HP, gotta run, bye!

Valerie & Gabrina

2010-12-18T14:25:00.003+08:00

Yes, two of my two favourite creature,

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY (:

jeez i can only wish you guys in facebook because my new phone has problem. It can't go to muh contact list): so i've lost all of your phone numbers lah damn depress. ):gonna fix later.

if the both of you my GRACEFUL BALLERINA and CUTE PEA are reading this, well i'm not gonna say too much, just know that you people are awesome, well to me that is. (:

AND I LOVE YOU GUYS OKAY full stop. (:

nyway, yesterday my mom suddenly told me DO YOU WANNA BUY YOUR PHONE OR NOT. so yeah we went ou and zoom, bought my nokia E5. I know i've said that i dislike nokia and e5 is another pathetic imitation of blackberry. In case if you don't know i'm a die hard fan for blackberry, okay fine not die hard, but well, you get it. (: My mom asked me to get a blackberry but at the thought of needing to subscribe plan for it to be cheaper for internet usages and blahblah, and i need to change my sg number, i decided to settle for sony ericsson.

Don't ask me why not an iPhone, god i don't like iPhone lah, it's like... i'll get super distracted by all the $0.99 apps. But if i don't get the cool apps, what's the point of having an iPhone again? Yes.

And blackberry is cooler than iPhone i don't care, even mel agrees:D

Back to story, settled for sony ericsson. But sorry lah i go into SE, xperia series, touch screen (sorry i anti touch screen after my samsung touchie). vivaz, too formal. cedar, spiro and zylo.. well not my type haha. (:

So SE out laaah. went for nokia instead, tada. My white nokia E5 is here. (: everything of mine is white. haha, white lappie, white phone, white watch. yay.

after that, my mom asked me.. Hey i wanna buy iPod. omgosh hahha my mom so cute.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW WE DON'T HAVE ITUNES and she same with me lah, techno loser. HAHAH but at least i know how to function an apple product she doesn't. heheh :D So she just blur blur, buy everything, went home, made me settle for her.

HI MOM YOU SANGAT COMEL :D

so well, had to download iTunes and all, aih.

nevermind hahaa. (: white phone and blue iPod nano, awesome.

soooo. in a conclusion, shooting star, fail casino royale, nokia e5 and iPod nano in 4 days.

YAY. im a happy person.

i love malaysia!

that moment i've considered that i may be the luckiest person alive.

2010-12-16T00:14:00.003+08:00

As planned, we had sleepover at my house, starring Soon Len, Gabrina, Thiam Joo, Kailiang, Xin Pei and Nicholas.
So here the story goes, we were running out of things to do at my house so we decided hey why not a late night walk at the park?

So off we went at 1130pm to the park. On the way, when we passed by Mel's house, we screamed her name and she came out, decided to come with us to the park too! :D awesome awesome! Arrived at the park, got crazy for a little while, then suddenly someone screamed.

SHOOTING STARS!

everyone stared up, but it was gone. ): Approx. 10 minutes later, someone screamed again.

SHOOTING STARS AGAIN!

some of us saw and some didn't. Well i didn't. ): But on the way back to my house, we kept staring at the sky and some of us saw some on the way. when we reached my house, we even decided not to go in. So we stand outside and kept our necks in an awkward angle to stare at the sky. For beautiful shooting stars. :D

We were standing and it was more than tiring so we squated down, proceeded to sitting on the road side and lastly, we LAID ON THE ROADSIDE and my car porch. Will upload photos to show you people okay, soon. :D

In 45 minutes times, we've seen a few big and small shooting stars. But the most bizarre one was the last one, it was the BEST.THING.EVER. We got so excited and hugged and slapped each other high fives! :D we screamed and shouted and laughed at 1am haha. what an experience. :D

It's so bizarre, so breathtaking. (:

We slept at 3am that night.

Day 2, woke at 6.30am for breakfast at mcd. All thnks to our dearest soonlen that had to leave at 830 so we needed to wake early for breakfast. Walked to mcd for breakfast and chat our way through. BTW, I BOUGHT THEM THEIR BREAKFAST. yes very generous haha:D

After soonlen left straight from mcd, we went back to my house and played poker cards and they went back one by one, leaving thiamjoo and nicholas behind cos their parents couldn't make it on time. HENCE, we decided to call our favourite Mel to my house when we're bored o death.

Mel come and suggested we play Texas Hold'em and Poker with her gambling chips. The starting was messy because i didn't what to do with all the professional gambling terms haha. :D I am the weirdest dealer ever i tell you haha. :D

i even give money to them without checking their suits ahah. And they had to tell me how much to give and when to declare my suits. LOL epic lah weih.

When thiamjoo and nick went home, mel and i talked for another hour till i couldn't stand it anymore, i was SO TIRED AND STICKY ahahah. needed to shower and rest. :D

All in all, the 2 best thing of my holidays happened in two days. :D

Bizarre shooting stars & Failed version of Casino Royale. BEST THING EVER.

i love malaysia man. (:

Big big bang!

2010-12-14T19:38:00.002+08:00

"The big big bang
Is what keeps me alive
When all the stars collide in the universe inside"

GOD, addicted heehee.

Thian Joo and Nicholas are coming over to mah house any second omg freaky to the core! Nyway, i remembered bringing back Jodi Picoult's Change of Heart and Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love from the school library to read at home.

For Change of Heart, i'm sorry lah the starting prologue doesn't attract me despite the all the good comments on it. I mean.. it's about court cases and jury and whatnots sorry lah k. I'm not exactly socially commited and i'm well, just not interested hehe.

For Eat Pray Love, i know the movie is famous and all BUT the one word for the entire book, PHILOSOPHICAL. I understand every single meaning of the book but's too .. religious. Sorry lah okay i'm young so i prefer something fun. I thought it would be a book about a woman travelling around and all the fun things but well.

Okay i've to get ready for sleepovah now. heart attack!

Puh.

2010-12-14T01:41:00.002+08:00

Time check 01:41am. awesome. my nocturnal cells are getting back (welcome back!). Today was practically good. Cos i slept from 6 to 7pm. Muahaha. Then my mom brought me out for dinner at Good Evening Bangkok.

Yes i'm a malaysia girl who lives in singapore and loves thai food. (:

The Tom Yam Mee Hoon was beyond.awesome. and the pandan chicken! :D heehee.

and my mom's in a good mood (HI MOM). BUT. when i came home, got a terrible news from my close friend gosh. Heart attack lah weih.

i'm yawining now harhar. No i'm not gonna sleep yet. even if my sexy lappie has failed to attract me, i still have my magazine sitting right beside me.

Yay.

I'm getting old cos my whole body aches. My neck hurts, had a headache and my waist is killing me.

gettind ol' huh.

okay gotta run, bye!

2010-12-12T20:21:00.002+08:00

"Hey, you know when you look at me with much disgust? What's wrong with me, am i too ugly that it's so undesirable? Or is it you? I bet it's the latter. No i'm not living in self denial, i'm just confident that i have my own tokens to back me up. If you're reading this, i'm telling you: the next time you see me, and look into my face, i want you to know i've got my own stories that you don't. I've got my own reasons that shaped me into "me" today. You need to realise that everybody has got their own stories and the respect you give to me because i've been it through is a basic courtesy any human in right mind would have given. Please and thank you."

2010-12-12T01:14:00.002+08:00

Hi blog. It's 01:15am now. It's not good being a nocturnal.

I've been getting my mindset right and sleep at approx. 12am every night. But tonight, not in the mood of being a good girl.

And i don't know what's wrong with me, i need to have fun. I've been rotting at home and doing the usual routines gives me headache. I even had to take panadols to control it. Yes not a good sign. I know panadols are not good and all the painkillers bed time story and bleh bleh but when you're at my situation you'll get it.

Hmm, it's been 2 years since i ever went outstation. I've been convincing myself that "Hey you're outstation everyday in a year so it's time to stay home & rest (:" Okay the smiley face is obviously fake. thank you.

anyway, my mom had approved my idea of friends sleeping over in muh house! Hey guys we've had many sleepovers but this is the first time we have it in my house yay, hope it worked out.

Oh btw, i love my owl layout hahha so cute. (: cannot resist lah .

Sorry out of inspiration till then.

I like owls.

2010-12-10T00:54:00.002+08:00

I don't know what am i doing. I'm missing those times we had together.

I went to this particular site, and read things about us. I'm missing those times when we were so close and the realtionship was even intimate. Okay fine not intimate cos it sounds totally wrong but .. you understand. Those times when we hang out together, and those times when we believed that our world is only about one another. The friendship and realtionship that we held so close to our hearts so that it will be protected and not harmed by any other. Yes i miss those times.

But now, we're walking different ways. We don't even say hi when we see each other, we even tried to avoid glances from each other and blocked away all the questions from people. Why? Because we can't find the answer, or rather, we understand it ourselves but we find no point in explaining to others because nobody would understand.

I miss those times when we care about each other so much. We cried together and laughed together. Do you remember those times when we cried together? And of course times when we laughed were countless. & those times when you sat beside me and typed about us, about all of us. And i sat and typed about us, all of us. Times of our lives.

Those times when you still put my name as the first one, and me, yours as the first.

What happened to us? I know there is, i know it, and don't try to argue, i know there are misunderstandings. But i don't want to clear it, i admit. I don't want to solve our problems because i am very angry. I'm very angry that .. well, you did whatever you did. I'm very angry that you made me lost so much, so much that i feel like i couldn't gain it back anymore. This is why i know there are misunderstandings but i refuse to attend to it and let our friendship, our relationship rot away.

I have my hand in ruining this hands-to-hands fairytale that we created together. But you triggered my anger, please don't ignore this fact.

And no, this is not a love story that includes all the funny boy girl thing.

2010-12-07T00:10:00.003+08:00

So, what's up today? First thing first, i think quite alot of things happened today, well considering my usual boring routine. But somehow i don't find any drastic changes to my mood! Sorry not in the mood to blog today goodbye.

***
just a little extract i would like to share.

today, i stayed at home.
i did a lot of my own things.
i tried to work and work ..
but every part of me is wandering.
every part of me missing your presence.
you told me you are shattered into pieces when you left..
is it possible that your pieces are still with me?
if it is,
i'm keeping all of them well and fine in a little container.
the moment when you left,
your light shadow seemed to turn around
and punch me right into my face.
Have you ever thought of, do you even realise,
i may be shattered into pieces too.
So are my parts still with you?
Are you still holding tiny and precise pieces of me?
why are you the one that hurts me,
and also my remedy.
why are you the one that completes me,
and also the cause of my wounds.
are you keeping my parts well and fine too?
please say yes.
because those are the parts that completes me.
I guess you can take it with you,
because you're the one that brought them with you,
when you walked into my life.

by monica

hi blog,

2010-12-05T23:18:00.002+08:00

today, i feel extremely useless.

why can't i ever meet up with my expectations.
why don't dreams come true.

You're holding the blade, you don't feel the pain.

2010-12-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

Do you have any idea how much i hope you can just dissapear?
(Sue & Ying-Yi if you're reading this, you know who this is)

I'm not trying to inject hatred into myself and act as if i'm oh-so-cool like some people (no one in particular that i'm referring to, btw), because if anyone notices all the angry status i've had on facebook or whatsoever, it's directed to one person that i will never, ever forgive in my whole life.

& no, i'm not exaggerating. I may be too sensitive and too unreasonable to blame all my negativities and unhappiness all this while on you. But so far to my concern, it is because of you. If it wasn't because of you all this while, i wouldn't even be unhappy during most of the times that i'm unhappy.

I don't know and heck do i care whether you're reading this or not, i really don't care anymore. Because i don't like you! It is because that i care too much in the first place, i admit, and you don't, at all, probably; and hence resulted to all my anger accumulating all this time.

I don't want to point fingers at you for doing something that i thought you had no intentions in doing it. And this is every reason why i haven't been shouting to you like i would have if i were to be a tad less tolerant. But until today, only then i realise that honestly man, if i continue to take into considerations of your so-called reasons and intentions, i will be upsetting myself more. I might as well just hand over my life to you let you collapse it, well not like you haven't.

I know i'm wrong at certain points of this whole drama but i want you to know that you started all these, being unregretful for all the mistakes that the circumstances, you've implanted to me and let me take in and swallow all the impacts myself. And still i'm not screaming to you because i thought you didn't intend to upset anyone, and screaming to you would only make me seem pathetic to you because you don't even think you're wrong.

I'm no good at taking revenge and i know there's nothing much i can do about it. I'm not going to continue blaming you. This is not to make myself feel and look very wise and nice and forgiving and all. But if blaming you doesn't put any effect, if blaming you will not make you feel even sorry, let alone making it up, but blaming you only makes me feel worse and appear nothing but bad impressions to people, i don't find the need to blame you anymore. And all these crap, i admit, have exhaust me in through out.

I'm so tired for dealing with your existence that i try every single chance, and i mean, EVERY, SINGLE, CHANCE to get away from you. I don't deny that there are some things that i'm particularly weak in and even the slightest touch will destroy my shield, built to protect it. And i believed you, i tell you, i show you then and there where exactly my weakness lies, i admit to you, hoping for you to help me protect it, or at least, try not to do things to trigger my weakness! These are the parts of me that even if you do the littlest things that appear harmless and innocent to people, will however make me very very sad. I expected you to know, to understand. Well, i'm sure you did, pretty well, in fact. Because it is what you used to turn your back on me and hurt me back. It is what you used to make me upset and you know there's nothing i can do but kept flinching and retreating. Your impact was powerful.

I admit that until today, i still can't stop giving a damn about you, i can't stop caring about what you're doing. I know that i've said i don't care about you, not even a bit anymore, but that's not exactly the truth. Just part of it. I still do care, not in a good way i guess. But at least i know i'm trying to stop caring. I want to reach a point whereby i am able to not acknowledge your existence and not wince everytime i see you and not feel the anger building up in me when i hear you speak and not rounding my fist into a ball when you just show that you don't give a damn about my feelings.

I'm not a person full of hatred, you guys know me. But i get very tense when people make me really angry and i can be hurting, i know. I'm not trying to make myself become an angry person either. But if i don't tell out i'm not letting go of my pressure, i don't know what am i going to do with my grudges. And then will i become i person full of hatred, exactly what i'm not letting myself into. I'm glad i'm still able to let off pressure through words, at least it wouldn't be that impactful, i hope. You don't know what burst from my mouth when i'm pissed, trust me you would rather read an angry post of mine.

-

How I miss talking to you at 3am.

2010-12-04T00:42:00.000+08:00

Greetings. (:

Today's good. Went out with two of muh honeybees- Sue Lu & Ying-Yi, god, awesome i tell you. (Y) Watched HP7 finally. Like really, finally! It's out like since, what, 18th november?

But the movie is good. Even for a person that only read 1 of the series of 7 (hehe no childhood huh), and watched none of the movies before. Yes it's me. Not that i'm very proud of it, but jut saying harhar.

Anyway, i've always thought christmas is a fascinating festival. I mean, you know how in those english movies, it's always snowing but every house is brightly lit with warm yellow lights.. and those flower rings, And not to forget the cute..uh.. what do you call the big red socks that you hang it and your parents will tell you how santa claus is gonna pop in a present, but face it the gift of your dreams is always from your papa and mama. Yeah, that. I forgotten what it's called. And reindeers and santa claus! Not that i believe in Santa, i mean.. i'm pretty sure it doesn't exist, but's so cool for an old man that wears red with a long white beard to sit in this cradle(yeah that's what i call since young), pulled by reindeers!

Okay, reality check, turkeys and fruit cakes! And minced pie zomgosh nothing can get better. I admit i LOVE. and i mean LOVE LOVE LOVE kind of LOVE christmas, more than chinese new year. Christmas is just lovely.

I've never celebrated christmas in my whole life, if only i can, in Manchester. I hope ! I love Manchester.

Actually Singapore do have beautiful christmas decorations. But i think winter, snow, warm cottages and fur coats and boots are what that makes christmas..well, christmas. Maybe i should try greenland HAHA, okay just saying bleh.

Last year when i went Manchester and London to visit my korkor, i tried gingerbread man and a gingerbread house! I don't really fancy ginger but it just has this tint of spice that makes my tummy warm in the winter. Amazing i tell you. (: Should give it a try. The feeling is not the same as you get from walking into Harrods with the air warmer and all. And not to forget gingerbread man are so comel!

Man i sure do miss UK. Nevermind i'll have another chance soon! :D Oh and and and did i mention Madame Tussauds' ? It's brilliant! The wax figures there are so real and it's cool! (:

Gosh this makes me miss the day when Ser Lin and i went Cold Storage to get pasta and we tried to look for turkey for a Christmas celebration in Parry ahahha. But failed D:

i shall stop. :B okay, till then hunbuns!

Fresh Start

2010-12-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

Why, hello world.

I'm not going to repeat all those hey-welcome-to-my-world kind of chicky thing. Partly because i don't think i've got any more readers-except for loyal little fred- and well, HI MOM, and muhself!

I've said before that i'm an internet loser and i just realised how to customize my cantik cantik blog background, except for the colour but, well, i'm just saying. My whole point is, i never knew blogs could get so cute. heehee. I am admitting, i was like a weird kampung girl when i browse through the background. Okay you don't really have to know this part.

Anyway, the reason behind this.. refreshed (reborn, actually, since i deleted(killed) it and create(give birth HAHAH) it again, please and thank you!) blog is due to unforeseen circumstances. Okay fine maybe not so exaggerated, but well, you get what i mean.

actually i'm not sure whether to continue my blog..you know, since no one reads it. But anyway, let's just see. (:

Till then!